I am grateful now for change not because I am grateful yet but because I have seen it and I am grateful for what I saw and what it’s like when I have so much built up negative energy about something and then find it fascinating how it can melt away into pure deep gratitude for the very thing that created so much pain. I guess that’s where beauty for ashes may come from. I have seen too many ashes so we all fell down but I’m not sure who we who fell are and I’m not sure I want to know who either. As I didn’t mean for anyone to fall and especially no one else. But even still. There’s the runner who falls into a somersault and rolls back up to keep running. I suppose we do that. And I am grateful that we can at least try to do that. I have been displaced a bit but I am grateful for the interesting trip. I’m grateful for learning. I’m also grateful for home. For my family and for people and places and things that fill hearts with love. I am grateful for people who were part of my story this year and I’m most grateful for old songs and movies and things that take me back to all the places I’ve been. It’s an interesting life for sure. I just need to figure out my place in it. I didn’t realize how disconnected I was and to what point I was willing to disconnect to a life that brought so much joy and pain and change. I don’t want to disconnect but like love it is not necessarily a reason to stay but find rather what’s going to work on a healthy way for everyone. Will any of this make sense another day? Not sure what I am publishing for on a day like today as it no longer has others or uplifting in mind. But perhaps more of the real stuff is needed anyway. It’s complicated and messy and a whole lot more than I’d ever care to say. But it’s this sort of thing that leads me to the days where it’s hard to breathe and I am able to miraculously think to post that I’m grateful I can breathe though at the time I may not actually be grateful yet.
It has been interesting to see the soul align. The more truth stated the more remembered and the more real things become. I just didn’t realize that may not be what we want. Real is cool but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss. Does truth reign above bliss? And why must we choose truth or happiness. The plan of happiness has a whole lot of unhappiness along the way which is bothersome honestly for weary travelers.
Seems it’s time to just stop traveling but for some it’s hard to stay where we are when where we are has so much variance and we already lost all of the things we loved most. We have to find new things to love every day. Everyone person is new every day when it used to be that y’all didn’t seem to change so radically fast.